I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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