The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
