If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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