I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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