Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
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