he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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