When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
