Someone shit on the floor
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
When are your genitals available?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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