my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
