just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
