do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
