I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Everclear isn't food dammit
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
