I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
tell your sister to shave her snatch
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
