He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
