I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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