I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Sober January is a disaster.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Randomize
