he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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