My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
