im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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