I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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