Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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