Im at strip club and am horny
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
