There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
