shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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