No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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