Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
