It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
