I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
