I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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