I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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