After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
