I don't usually arrange sex via text message
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
