I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
