is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
