you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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