Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
