She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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