I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize