broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
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