He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
