Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
