I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
