I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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