Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
