I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
