I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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