That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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