Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
