No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
