It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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