i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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