i dedicated my morning wood to you.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
