I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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