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the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
