Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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